By Sharon Gordon
I often give talks to young girls about menstrual health and hygiene. As part of the discussion, I also talk about reproduction because as we hopefully all know that once you have had your first period you are fertile and can bear a child.
After the session I allow the young women to ask any questions they want, and I answer them as honestly as I can. You would be surprised to know how often virginity and the hymen are raised.
I’m not a big fan of virginity. I believe it leads to far more problems than it solves. Make no mistake I also don’t believe that we should be having sex with every erect penis. I think that when the heart, the head and the genitals align, precautions have been taken then by all means have sex and enjoy it.
It would seem that even now in the 21 st Century, virginity is prized. Men are allowed to have as much sex as they can and it’s a boys will be boys conversation, whereas girls are tainted and shamed. I’m not sure how much virginity exists if I see the teenage pregnancy statistics.
When I was growing up, I was led to believe that losing my virginity was going to be a bloody and painful affair. That the hymen was going to tear in the process. No wonder we were terrified to have sex the first time.
I want to debunk some of the hymen and virginity myths that continue to persist.
The first is that the hymen is a membrane that covers the entrance into the vagina and is broken or torn during vaginal intercourse. So, what is it?
The hymen is a thin membrane of tissue located at the opening of the vagina.
It varies widely in shape, size, thickness, and elasticity among individuals.
In some cases, a person may have a very elastic hymen that does not tear and merely stretches. Others may have little to no visible hymenal tissue even from birth.
The hymen typically changes with puberty, and any remnants after stretching or tearing can continue to be visible or not.
Traditionally, the hymen was viewed as a sign of virginity, though this idea is outdated and not medically accurate.
In most people’s minds the main question around virginity is whether or not someone has had vaginal intercourse. And by that, I mean penis action. Some cultures may have different definitions but, on the whole, this is what determines virginity.
I find it incredulous that a woman's worth is determined by when she had sex for the first time. I find it even more offensive that someone would look up your vagina in an attempt to determine that worth. We know better.
I know for a fact that the first time I had penetrative sex there was no pain and no blood.
There was no tearing of anything. Because I didn’t know better, I felt guilty, as if I had done something wrong.
What I didn’t know then is that many factors besides sexual activity can affect the hymen, such as exercise, riding a bike or horse, tampon use, or natural development.
None of those activities counts as penetrative sex.
Some hymens are as tough as nails and if you’re in the virginity business then this is the one you want to be born with. The problem is that when you no longer want to be a virgin, penetration may be difficult. This is not to be confused with vaginismus which is a completely separate condition. It can affect women long after the first time they have sex. It makes having sex difficult, frustrating and painful. The good news is with the right help and understanding it can be treated and overcome.
There is some debate about whether a lesbian who has never had penetrative sex remains a virgin. In terms of the traditional definition, I suppose they do. But honestly who cares?
Let your moral compass be the judge of you and to hell with the rest.